We got so high we made milksteak
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
