we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
