If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
