Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
