he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
