we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
