drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
