We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize