Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
