worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
