also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
