Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
