So drunk, too bad you don't want this
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize