I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize