I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
