You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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