I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You're like the curious george of whores
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
