I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
