haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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