my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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