What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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