I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
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