Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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