So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Be still, my beating vagina.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
