I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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