Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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