I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize