four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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