shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
