I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
