just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
