All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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