The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
its liver damage thursday
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