It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
