everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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