somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
