theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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