So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
