Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
