some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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