had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
