I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
