News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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