phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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