I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
