I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
