The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
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