just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
