I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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