Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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