two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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