you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
