my phone needs a breathalizer
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
