Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
