So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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