you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
